Scenario:Lich - Brooding Beach Bum

Brooding Beach Bum

Lich arrives in Auguste with (Captain) and the crew but quickly withdraws, grumbling about the relentlessly cheerful vacationers. After a string of mishaps, a stray beach ball sends her to the ground with a hit to the face. When she looks up, she's confronted with a radiant, smiling double of herself.

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A brilliant blue sky, dotted with soft, drifting clouds. Waves break against the shore in a gentle rhythm.

Lich: Grooooan... Why can't everything just blow up already?

In a quiet, shadowed corner of the beach, a heavy presence lingers—sighing and wishing for it all to go away.

The primal beast Lich, wrapped in a shroud of darkness, fixes her unhappy gaze on the summer sky.

She had come to Auguste with the Grandcypher crew for their annual escape.

But after quietly breaking away from the crew, she sits alone, muttering curses to herself.

Lich: Stupid sun ruining everything. I even did my rain ritual too.

Lich: So damn hot... Why would anyone subject themselves to this?

Lich: Sunlight stabbing me like a thousand cursed daggers... Sand so hot you can't even walk on it...

Lich: ...And surrounded by extros with stewed brains, frolicking around pretending to have fun.

Lich: Nope, nope, nope—I'm out! Five more seconds here and they're gonna have to scrape me off the ground.

Lich: It's too hot for Lich not to ditch! Heh... Hee hee!

Lich: Heh?

Small Colossal Hermit: ...

Just as Lich is about to lose it, a small colossal hermit skitters into view.

Lich: Yo... So you're cooped up alone in your own world too, huh?

Lich: Finally, another intro comrade. I thought the rest of us'd already be burned to dust by now.

Lich: Don't worry, little guy. I'm not gonna bother you. We're birds of a feather, you feel me?

Small Colossal Hermit: ...

Lich: Hehe... That's a fine shell you've got there. Nothing beats shutting out the rest of the—

Dazzling Girl: Hehehe! Nice catch!

Lich: Huh?

Flashy Boy: Ahaha! But we both know you're the real catch here!

Dazzling Girl: Oh, you rascal! Here comes the serve!

Lich: Tch, beach volleyball. Even here, the extros have their claws in everything...

Lich: ...

Lich: Makes you wonder, huh? In some alternate world, maybe I'm out there with them, having fun...

Small Colossal Hermit: ...?

Lich: Heh, yeah right. Intros like us? We're not the players—we're the ball at best.

Lich: Right, lil' guy? Hehe. Hehehe...

Friendly Colossal Hermit: ...

Colossal Hermits: ...!

Lich: Huh?

Right then, another colossal hermit appears before Lich. The two crustaceans lock eyes, clashing their pincers in a passionate showdown.

Lich: Y-y-y-you... You tr...tr-traitor!

Lich: Unbelievable!

Lich: There's always one! Acting like “Woe is me!” but the second the party starts you're a total extro like the rest of them!

Lich: Do you get your kicks pretending not to fit in, you poser?

Lich: Swaggering around, flaunting your shell like you're all about living that hermit life...

Lich: Real intros don't go around showing off how introverted they are, you know!

Lich: The moment you start parading your intro status, you're out, buddy! Nobody's buying it!

Vyrn: Uh... Are you beefing with a crab right now?

Lich: Gah! I've been found!

Colossal Hermits: ...

Lich: We aren't finished here, recreant! Face judgment before the Great Court of True Hermits!

Lyria: Um... Would you like to play with us, Lichi?

Lich: Huh?

Vyrn: See that red umbrella? We've set up camp over there for today!

(Captain) extends a hand in invitation.

Lich: Don't see it. Don't wanna play. Don't wanna go.

Vyrn: Sheesh... A simple no would've sufficed.

Lich: Listen up, Vyrnybean. To me, paradise looks nothing like a sunny beach—the opposite, in fact.

Lich: I belong in a nice, magically-chilled room that's a little cramped—but comfy—all to myself.

Vyrn: Then why'd you bother changing into your swimsuit and coming to the beach?

Lich: That's, uh... Peer pressure, you know? Like, society and stuff... Yeah.

Vyrn: It's not like we forced you... In fact, most of the crew didn't even come out today.

Lich: Uhh... I...

Lyria: Well, since you're here, why not have some fun with everyone?

Lich: I can't swim. And if we played volleyball, I'd only be useful as the ball.

Lyria: The... ball? Um... Well, if you're not good at sports, how about playing in the sand?

Lich: Heh... You sure about that? What if I just built a giant sand poo right in the middle of the beach?

Vyrn: Aren't you, like, 500 years old or something?

Lich: Whatever. Me and the summer beach just aren't compatible—on both a physical and spiritual level.

Lich: And you'd all have more fun in your extro paradise without me bringing down the mood anyway.

Lyria: No, that's not true! We'd love for you to join, Lichi—

Lich: It's fine. Really. Lichi's gonna return to her lair now.

Lich: Even the colossal hermits betrayed their name, so it's my duty as the last real hermit.

Lich: So yeah. I'll, uh, see you tonight.

Lich turns away from the crew, ready to make her way back to the hotel.

Lich: Hpfffghah!

Lyria: Are you okay, Lichi?

Vyrn: A beach ball? Must've been from that couple over there.

Lich: Oh, now you've done it! I'm about to %@&# somebody up right now!

Lyria: W-wait, I'm sure they didn't mean it!

Flashy Boy: Oh man, so sorry! Are you all right, miss?

Lich: Ah... Fine...

Vyrn: What happened to all that fury!

Lich: Sh-shut up. Those extros blinded me with their wholesomeness...

Lich?: Oh, don't even worry! I'm super tough. That's my best feature!

Lich: Huh?

Lich looks up to see a familiar person stepping into her view.

It's someone she's never seen from behind before—herself.

Dazzling Girl: A-are you sure? I mean, as long as you're okay...

Flashy Boy: Wait, then who's that curled up over there?

Lich?: Don't mind her! Say, do you two have room for one more?

Together: Huh?

Lich?: I've always wanted to give volleyball a try! Hope you don't mind a total newbie!

Dazzling Girl: Don't worry. We're not exactly pros, either.

Flashy Boy: Yeah, we'd love for you to join! But are you really okay to play?

Lich?: Hehe... Teach me how to hit it like that so I can get you back!

Dazzling Girl: Ooh, I like you! I'll be sure to set you up for a spike then!

Flashy Boy: Plotting your revenge already, huh? Girls are terrifying sometimes!

Happy Beachgoers: Ahahaha!

Lyria: Um... It looks like the other Lichi joined them.

Lich: ...

Vyrn: Who was that? What the heck's happening?

Lich: ...

Lyria: Lichi?

Lich: Blergharngh!

Lyria: Are you okay!

Somehow, a second Lich had materialized on the beach.

As if in protest, the original Lich convulses, doubling over and retching at the sight.