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Auld Lang Syne: The Roomcone War/Story
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Auld Lang Syne: The Roomcone War - Opening
Along with the coming of New Year's, two snack-loving militias descend on the Ox Temple. One side professes their love for Chococones, while the other insists Chocorooms are the superior candy. Soon enough, their earthly desires attract Kleshas and an unbridled war breaks out.
With the year drawing to a close, the crew has come to the Ox Temple to pay their respects.
Vyrn: Aaah, now this is the kinda place where a guy can spread his wings!
Lyria: The cows look so happy! And I can't wait to see Catura!
Among all of the divine temples, the shrine bovine is among the most peculiar.
Conventionally, the worship hall and temple office would be located in the main complex, but here the cattle graze peacefully on an open ranch.
Even Catura, guardian of the Ox Temple, prefers to spend her time in the fields, allowing the townsfolk to take care of their own holy affairs at the satellite temple.
Joy: This is Joy's first time at the Ox Temple! Joy wants moo-moo friends!
Zooey: That sounds nice. Personally speaking, I want to drink a cold glass of milk.
Joya, Joy's predecessor, once went mad and flew into outer space.
To fight off this threat, Zooey donned the garb of a priestess and joined with the divine generals. Since then, she has been regularly paying the new year spirits a visit.
(Captain) and pals trudge down a snow-covered road, heading for a particular cowshed.
Vyrn: Hey, Cow Prints! You home? Your favorite skyfarers have come to hang out!
Catura: Zzz... Zzz...
Vyrn: She's still asleep? But it's already noon!
Snuggled in a cozy corner of the barn, a pillow rested in her arms, Catura is serenely snoozing the day away.
Catura's Mom: My, if it isn't (Captain)! Did you come to see our little Catura?
Lyria: Hi, Catura's mom and dad! Sorry for showing up unannounced.
Joy: Catura is deep-deep asleep. Has she been worn out?
Catura's Dad: I'm afraid so. This time of year brings lot of visitors to the Ox Temple, which means more customers looking for our milk.
Catura's Mom: She was up early milking the cows. I don't want to keep you all waiting, but would you mind letting her rest a little while longer?
Lyria: Of course we don't mind, it's just... Won't she catch a cold sleeping in here?
Catura's Dad: Not to worry! Catura's clothing is imbued with special powers.
Catura's Dad: She might feel a little chilly, if anything at all. Just like the cows who sleep under the stars at night.
Zooey: Really? Then we have nothing to worry about.
Cow: Mooo!
Joy: A cow, a cow! Hello, new moo-moo friend! I'm Joy!
Lyria: They love it when you pet them gently! Here, you try, Joy!
Joy: Okay! Easy-does-it!
Cow: Mooo!
Vyrn: I gotta say, the Ox Temple is the weirdest New Year's temple we've been to yet.
Vyrn: The others were road-to-hall filled with people. We practically had to fight our way through crowds just to see our buds.
Catura's Mom: Well, our visitors head to our sister shrine down in the village, so the ranch remains quiet despite the new year.
Catura's Mom: But don't get the wrong idea—the Divine Ox is charged with living a slow life of animal husbandry. So Catura is fulfilling her duties with aplomb!
Catura: Zzz... Mmm, so much milk...
Lyria: Hehe, I see what you mean! That's the face of someone who loves the slow life!
Vyrn: No kidding. Makes me wish I could catch some Z's too.
Zooey: ...
Joy: Zooey? What's the matter?
Zooey: I can't shake this strange feeling...
Lyria: What kind of feeling?
Zooey: It's like... some omnipresent balance has been desecrated...
Zooey: In fact, that's why I accompanied (Captain) here in the first place.
Vyrn: Maybe it's your imagination? As you can see, these fields ain't no battleground.
Zooey: For now...
Zooey: Hm?
The cowshed begins to shake violently as panic rises through the crew.
Vyrn: Yikes! What's going on?!
Lyria: Everyone! Hurry outside!
Cow: Mooo!
Joy: Yikes! That was close! What happened?!
They rush out of the shed to find a portion of the fencing surrounding the ranch has been blown away.
Two bands of disgruntled villagers flood into the fields and stare each other down.
Fury rises among the cows, their grazing interrupted by the sudden intrusion.
Roomer Elder: Today is the day we shall settle things once and for all!
Coner Elder: I couldn't agree more. We shall put this whole silly matter to rest!
Vyrn: Hold on! Are you the jerks who destroyed the fence? Have you lost your minds!
Roomer Elder: Nothing of the sort! We're here to wage a war!
Lyria: W-war!
Coner Elder: That's right. You'll have to excuse the commotion.
Coner Elder: Now, whose side are you on? You've got the look of fine Chococone folk.
Roomer Elder: How dare you slander these kind strangers! They're clearly Chocoroom people!
Lyria: Chocoroom?
Vyrn: And what was the other one? Chococone?
Roomer Elder: Wait! You mean you've never heard of the Roomcone Wars?
Joy: The Roomcone Wars?
Coner Elder: This is absurd! Who doesn't know of the greatest conflict afflicting the skies? What did they teach you in school!
Roomer Elder: Allow me to explain! Long, long ago...
Roomer Elder: I was born to master chocolatiers. My life's work was to walk in their footsteps and bring delightful confections to the world.
Roomer Elder: I would gather ingredients from Chocolae Island, procuring only the finest specimens. And back in the atelier, I would spend hours honing my craft.
Roomer Elder: And then, I did it: I stuck a biscuit stick inside of a dome of chocolate. The world finally had its most marvelous snack ever, the Chocoroom!
Roomer Elder: My delighted patrons could eat it without sullying their fingers, all while enjoying the adorable mushroom shape. Perfection.
Coner Elder: Ahem! With my brother's invention of a new confectionary experience as inspiration, I set out to make chocolate history myself.
Coner Elder: I went to Chocolae Island to gather ingredients, and spent my time perfecting my methods. Oh, how I toiled!
Coner Elder: And then, I did it: I poured chocolate over a crunchy cookie cone. The world finally had its most marvelous snack ever, the Chococone!
Coner Elder: I brought texture and flavor together in a miraculous balance, all in an adorable bamboo shoot shape. True perfection.
Roomer Elder: Our snacks spread throughout the village like wildfire. People began to ally behind the candies, raising their banners half in jest.
Coner Elder: But it all came to a head when...
Unbiased Chief: Now, we shall decide by democratic vote whether our village should be called Mount Chocoroom or Town Chococone!
Coner Elder: It was a village with nothing to its name save for its hallmark snacks. Of course such a deficient place would brand itself by its products.
Roomer Elder: A vote was conducted across the forty-seven districts of the village, each district being worth one point. But the score...
Roomer Elder: No! This can't be happening!
Roomer Elder: Mount Chocoroom lost forty-six to one. By the way, the one district that voted correctly was where ol' Miss Fukushima used to live.
Roomer Elder: Whimper... Miss Fukushima! I will hold your singular vote close to my heart until the end of time! I would gladly die before letting anyone tarnish your legacy!
Vyrn: Yeah, yeah. You're thankful to some random lady. Back to the story?
Roomer Elder: Ah, sorry... Where was I? Ah yes, the voting results...
Roomer Elder: I won't stand for this! Surely there are less of you Chococone heathens!
Roomer Elder: You, you... Coners will rue this day!
Roomer Elder: I gathered all the Chocoroom lovers into a fighting force. We were fired up and demanded our just desserts!
Coner Elder: That's not what just desserts means... But we of the Chococone also took to the streets and met them head on. It was a bloodbath, one that will see its fortieth year come tomorrow...
Roomer Elder: And now you know the history of our bloody feud.
Vyrn: What! You've been fighting for forty years? Over some stupid candy!
Lyria: But that doesn't explain why you had to come to the Ox Temple?
Coner Elder: As you can see, this uncultured oaf won't accept reason, so we're here to have the year spirit talk some sense into him.
Roomer Elder: As usual, your barbarism knows no end! How dare you try to sway these good people with your nonsense!
Coner Elder: Nonsense? You're one to talk. Forty-six to one was quite clear! Other than ol' Miss Fukushima's district, it was a clean sweep!
Roomer Elder: So now you want to run Miss Fukushima's good name through the mud, do you! I'll have you know she bought Chocorooms every day without fail!
Coner Elder: Oh, I know. Dirty money that you've spent peddling your inferior wares! The results spoke for themselves, damn it!
Coner Elder: According to the village chief's most loved candy rankings, Chococones take the cake in both the general and household consumption ratings!
Coner Elder: Everyone, minus you gruffs, can see that the delicious, nutritious, and authentic Chococones are the clear victor!
Roomer Elder: Gah! My pride!
Joy: Oh my! Did he take damage?
Zooey: It seems their insults have grown powerful enough to do bodily harm. Such a brutal war...
Vyrn: Now you're calling it a war too? Isn't this a plain old argument?
Roomer Elder: What do rankings matter? Such drivel goes against the purity and majesty of chocolate-making!
Roomer Elder: The Chocoroom can be eaten biscuit first or chocolate first, leaving your favorite portion for last!
Roomer Elder: Or you can eat the exterior chocolate coating off the dome before enjoying the inside! The possibilities are infinite!
Roomer Elder: But your pathetic cookie base? It's been entirely coated in chocolate!
Roomer Elder: That means there's only one, pitiful method of eating it!
Coner Elder: Gurgh! My ego!
Coner Gal: The chocolate and the biscuit coexist in harmony but can be separated for one's pleasure? Wow! One for the Roomers!
Coner Elder: Hmph. What you say is true, brother. But you've forgotten the most important detail!
Roomer Elder: What?!
Coner Elder: Today's verdict will be given by the Divine Ox, Catura! And when it comes to cows...
Roomer Elder: Gods help us... She'll judge based on the milk content! You wouldn't dare!
Coner Elder: I sure would! Peer into this milk-filled bowl...
Coner Elder: And see the Chococones swimming in a pool of their own decadence! I give you: Chococone Cereal!
Roomer Elder: Ouch, my worldview!
Roomer Gal: He's trying to directly appeal to the judge's tastes... What a cunning strategy...
Roomer Elder: We shall see how this latest battle pans out! Do you not recall our battle two years ago? We utterly destroyed you at ball-toss!
Coner Elder: It seems you have forgotten! Four years ago, we soundly defeated you at tug-of-war!
Vyrn: Uh... I think we're getting kinda off topic here, dudes.
Roomer Elder: Check the record! Depsite your superior numbers, we almost took you down! The Roomers have the more unified front!
Coner Elder: What does unity matter? Even our cheerleaders received more votes than yours!
Roomer Elder: Then, then how about the number of times you've spoken so far during today's match! I've had thirty-two lines to your measily twenty-three! We hold the advantage!
Elders: Grrr!
Vyrn: Uh... Anybody follow the ol' Roomer's logic there?
Lyria: I guess the Coners will take the day after all, huh?
Roomer Elder: You petulant girl, say that to my face!
Lyria: Eep!
Lyria: Eep!
???: Argh... Gawrls, what are you doing here! Are you making mischief again?
???: Hold it right there!
???: Graaawr!
Roomer Elder: So you've come...
Coner Elder: The Other Brother!
Lyria: There's another one! And he's younger, with assumably fresher ideas!
Other Brother: Brother Room, Brother Cone, please stop this unproductive bickering!
Roomer Elder: We would if we could, little one! But we've gone too far!
Other Brother: Heed me, please! I understand the delicacy of the thick chocolate shroom cap... And the crunchiness of the sublime cookie base...
Other Brother: Which is why I've created a new confection that employs the best parts of both!
Roomer Gal: Wait...
Coner Gal: You've done what!
Other Brother: Please, witness me! I've taken the humble Chococone and affixed the Chocoroom biscuit to its base, creating the ultimate in—
Elders: No one cares!
Other Brother: Nooo, my life's meaaaning!
???: For gawr's sake... I need to get the gawrls and beat a quick claw outta here...
???: Gawr!
Roomer Elder: Our younger brother has made it clear. We either settle this the old-fashioned way now, or risk greater blasphemy in the future!
Roomer Elder: Gong!
Lyria: Gong? Wait... Oh no!
Coner Elder: Agreed... Today will be the day all shall bow before Chococone supremacy!
Coner Elder: Gong!
Vyrn: Oh crap! They've got Kleshas floodin' outta everywhere!
Joy: Danger, danger! They've gonged too hard!
Roomer Infantry: ...!
Coner Infantry: ...!
Vyrn: Look! The Kleshas are forming something else!
Choose: Room... cone... gong...
(Captain) takes a deep breath before running into the fray.
Lyria: Don't do it, (Captain)! Wait!
Zooey: Yes. My suspicion proved correct. The balance must be restored.
Zooey: As peacekeeper of the skies, I accept the will of both factions and shall bear witness to this battle.
Joy: Riiiing! Joy will fight worldly desires! Joy will free them from harm!
Catura: Snore... Oh, (Captain)...
Though (Captain) and the crew have survived battles both furious and deadly, the greatest confrontation they've yet to witness is soon to take place before their eyes.
Auld Lang Syne: The Roomcone War - Ending
The Roomcone War ends with no particular victor. Joy and Zooey eliminate the pesky Kleshas, and Catura finally awakens to catch the end of the chaos plaguing the Ox Temple. The warring factions are forced to make amends when Catura states she prefers (Captain) to either of their confections.
The Roomcone War has finally come to a head.
Coner Elder: Witness me, brother! The Coners have prevailed!
Roomer Elder: By Bahamut's beard... We've actually lost...
The Coners have proven victorious. With their years of popular support, their superior numbers allowed them to overcome the Roomers seemingly insurmountable unity.
Coner Elder: We'll use this momentum to spread the glory of the Chococone to the rest of the skies! Everyone, raise your cones of victory!
As the Coners lift their banners, cries of hard-won ecstasy echo from the fields of the Ox Temple.
Roomer Infantry: ...!
Coner Infantry: ...!
Zooey: That's enough. The results are clear.
Joy: Ring! Riiiing!
Joy: Worldly desires, disperse!
Lyria: Nice work, Joy! You cleared out all the Kleshas in one go!
Roomer Elder: Wait... Are those cows? Why are we in a pasture?
Coner Elder: Is this the Ox Temple ranch? What on earth are we doing here!
Gran is the Main Character
Joy: Yay! Everyone is back to normal!
Djeeta is the Main Character
Joy: Yay! Everyone is back to normal!
Choose: Whoa, I was out of it too, huh?
Choose: Whoa, I was out of it too, huh?
Lyria: Yay, you're back with us too! Do you feel dizzy?
(Captain), coming out of the Kleshas' grip, sheepishly smirks in apology for taking part in the Roomcone War.
Catura: Yaaaawn...
Lyria: Catura's finally awake!
Catura: Moohoohoo! Oh, (Captain). Did you come to see me?
Catura: I had the strangest dream... An evil witch cursed me... And I fell asleep for one hundred years.
Catura: But then you woke me with a kiss... And we were dancing in a splendid castle...
Catura: A chocolate mushramboo shoot airship fairy used her magic... And turned my dress a pretty iridescent color...
Catura: Moohoohoo... I wish you could have seen it...
Vyrn: Good to know Catura's still her same old self.
Cow: Mooo!
Catura: Oh my... Is something wrong with the cattle?
Catura: And why are so many people here?
Roomer Elder: You bear the sacred spots... Are you perhaps the Divine Ox?
Catura: I am... Who are you?
The warring brothers explain themselves and approach Catura with heads bowed.
Coner Elder: We disturbed this holy place with our petty dispute. Please forgive us!
Catura: It's okay... You didn't upset my cows. Too much.
Cow: Moo!
Roomer Elder: Such a merciful heart! We cannot thank you enough. A-and we'll repair the broken fencing at once!
Catura: So... To what do I owe the pleasure?
Coner Elder: That's right! Brother?
The two brothers exchange a nod and present a plate bearing their respective confections to Catura.
Roomer Elder: Lady Catura, would you do us the honor of trying our creations?
Catura: Whoa, looks delicious... Don't mind if I do...
Catura: Mmm... This mushroom-shaped thingy is great...
Catura: Hmm, and so is this bamboo-shaped doohickey...
Coner Elder: Which, which do you prefer?
Catura: Good question...
Roomer Elder: Please, we must know your choice!
Catura: Hmm... Give me a second... Hrm...
Coner Elder: (Please! Say Chococone!)
Roomer Elder: (Chocoroom, Chocoroom, Chocoroom!)
Catura: ...
Catura: When it comes to what I like... My answer always is, and will always be... (Captain).
Catura's cheeks flush as she gives (Captain) an intimate squeeze.
Elders: Gah! My sense of self!
Vyrn: Geez, Cow Prints, you're nothin' if not consistent.
Catura's Mom: Good morning, Catura! I've just finished the morning milking!
Catura: Ah, thanks, Mama... I'll go fetch it now.
Catura hops on her gearcycle Milky, conveniently parked outside the cowshed, and heads out to bottle milk.
Roomer Elder: Hahaha... Feels like we can relax now.
Coner Elder: Yeah. I guess we've learned an important lesson today: always follow your own path.
Roomer Elder: I think we may have taken our rivalry too far, huh?
Coner Elder: It's this industry. Damn sweets make monsters of us all.
Zooey: No. Sweets are never to blame.
Zooey, who had been watching from the sidelines, walks forward with a smile on her face.
Zooey: "I want this, I need this..." These are the kinds of thoughts that allow Kleshas to overtake you mortals.
Zooey: The fact that you both gave rise to so many Kleshas serves to prove your dedication to your craft.
Coner Elder: Maybe, but...
Zooey: Don't misunderstand me. I'm not praising you for bringing conflict to the Ox Temple.
Zooey: However, your fierce rivalry drove you to make your candy the best it could be, and you both gained many fans as a result, did you not?
Zooey: Having seen this, I think your work is a beautiful thing.
Zooey: Waging war is a step too far, but I rather enjoyed the spirit of your less than friendly competition.
Roomer Elder: You're right...
Coner Elder: Our sibling rivalry gave us passion.
Other Brother: You see, dear brothers? Only through the fires of competition can we hope to stoke the flames of invention!
Vyrn: You again? Where'd you pop out of?
Catura: Moohoohoo... I brought back some fresh milk. Who wants a drink?
Lyria: Yay! I love the milk from your cows, Catura! Thank you!
Catura: Oh, candy boys, here's your glasses...
Roomer Elder: Are you sure? We made such a ruckus before...
Catura: It's to thank you for your sweet treats. They were delicious!
Roomer Elder: This is amazing! It's delectable, like the finest cream!
Coner Elder: I've never tasted milk with such a full body! I'd love to pour this on my Chococone Cereal!
Roomer Elder: Right, you did make that newfangled product... I'll have to think of a spicy recipe for Chocorooms to keep up...
Roomer Elder: Maybe a cake that uses Chocorooms as decor? They'd be perfect for a stump cake!
Coner Elder: Cake decoration, eh? Chococones could be used for that too!
Roomer Elder: Hey now, don't you copy me!
Coner Elder: But mimicry is the best form of flattery.
The brothers continue their jovial bickering over their glasses of milk.
Catura: Mooohoo... Milk brings families together...
Joy: Is the Roomcone War over?
Zooey: No. I'm afraid it will continue. So long as their passion remains lit.
Zooey smiles faintly, having confirmed a truth she long assumed: Mortals may bicker, but often their feuds lead to further prosperity.
The End?
Meanwhile...
Coner Gal?: Munch, munch. I knew it. Chococones are better.
Roomer Gal?: Munch, munch. I feel sorry for you. You don't understand the greatness of Chocorooms.
Coner Gal?: You've got chocolate on your cheek.
???: Look at you gawrls, eating your sweets and ignoring your duties!
Coner Gal?: But our duties are dumb! These are milk tea flavored Chococones! Try some and you'll see why life's worth living!
???: Blegh! What's the big ide—stop trying to shove it into my mouth!
???: What in the skies... The calm flavor of tea, munch-munch, balanced perfectly with the sweetness of milk, munch-munch, it's perfect!
Roomer Gal?: Look at you go... And you told us not to eat any.
???: Holy stripes! You gawrls ensorcelled me with your schemes!
???: Back to the matter at hand! Some bell-contraption came by and wiped out all the Kleshas while you two were wasting all your gawrsh darn time!
Coner Gal?: Oh yeah, it is awful quiet now.
Roomer Gal?: They were arguing with so much, uh... gusto. How could we not join in? Munch, munch...
???: Whatever. The year will soon change over, and we need to prepare. Let's head home, gawrls.
Gals: Sure.
Coner Gal?: Hope you had a good year.
Roomer Gal?: And we hope you find some even better stripes in the next.
Led by their tiny tiger, the pair of mysterious girls walk along the snow-clad road with nary a destination in sight.
The End
Characters
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