The Loveable Klutz
(Captain) and company stop at a tavern and get caught up in some trouble caused by a wine-loving nun named Lamretta. After they all get kicked out, Lamretta passes out from her partying ways, and the crew has no choice but to welcome her in as a crew member.
The crew stops by a village in the dead of night. Hoping to appease their growling stomachs, they step foot into the only tavern whose lantern still burns.
???: Come in, come in!
Vyrn: Hi there! Can we still order?
???: Sure, sure! I'm here to sherve!
Vyrn: Um, what's with her? She's wobblier than a slime on a seesaw.
Vyrn: Whoa! Watch it!
???: Whoopsy-doopsy-doo! Coulda hurt myself there. My bad!
Vyrn: Is that all you have to say for yourself after almost smacking us with that wine bottle?
???: Nyahaha! Look at da li'l baby griffin!
Vyrn: Wha? Don't compare me to those oversized parakeets!
???: Nyahaha! I've never met a shtuffed animal that could talk before. How weird!
Vyrn: Now you're really gettin' on my nerves! I ain't a stuffed animal! The name's Vyrn!
Lyria: Are you all right? Your legs are all wobbly. Have you had too much to drink?
???: Whazzat you say? Nah, I'm not hopped up on hops!
Tavern Owner: What're ya doin', Lamretta! We got thirsty customers over here too!
Geez, the regulars must've bought the lass drinks again...
Lamretta: You got it, boss! On my way!
Lyria: A-actually we were hoping you'd have food on the menu...
Lamretta: Haha! No problem, shweetie. I'll whip up a hot shoup sho good you'll wanna tell your momma about it!
Vyrn: This joint is weird. You sure we wanna eat here, (Captain)?
The tavern door suddenly bangs open, and a rough-looking man comes sauntering in.
Rough Customer: Hey! I'm dyin' o' hunger here. Just gimme something! Anything!
Lamretta: Be right with ya!
This doesn't look good.
Rough Customer: Hey! Watch where you're goin' with those plates!
Vyrn: Oh snap.
Rough Customer: What're you tryin' to pull here?
Lamretta: I'm oh sho shorry!
Tavern Owner: Please, sir! I sincerely apologize for the trouble we've caused you. Are you all right? Of course your meal is on the house!
Rough Customer: I'm fine! I just want food in my belly!
Sheesh... What's that woman's problem?
Lamretta: Right away!
Lyria: Um... She's quite something, huh?
Vyrn: That's the problem...
Rough Customer: What's the hold up! I don't care what you bring me, just wheel it out!
Tavern Owner: Eek! Yes, sir! Right away, sir! Lamretta, take this soup to the customer.
Lamretta takes the soup with a clumsy pair of hands and wobbles over to a table.
Lamretta: Here you go! Enjoy!
Lyria: Erm, we didn't—
Rough Customer: The hell! That there's my soup!
Lamretta: Gotta wait your turn, buddy. These kiddos ordered first.
Rough Customer: Hahaha! So you're lookin' for a fight, huh? Then I'll give you a whoopin'... on the house!
Tavern Owner: Oh no... How did it end up like this...
Vyrn: What should we do, (Captain)? We didn't ask for dinner and a show.
Choose: Let's give him the soup.
- Let's give him the soup.
- We better stop him.
Vyrn: Fine... Whatever it takes to calm the guy down.Choose: We better stop him.
Vyrn: Sounds good! There's no telling what he'll do to her if we don't step in!Continue 1
Lyria: Fighting is wrong! Please stop!
Rough Customer: You keep your mouth shut unless you want the first knuckle sandwich!
Vyrn: Watch out, Lyria!
We gotta help her, (Captain)!
Lamretta: O great earth... hallowed spirits... forgive this sin...
Rough Customer: Huh? What're you mumblin' about?
Lamretta: Grant me the strength to cleanse this world of evil...
Rough Customer: Argh! She's a witch!
Lamretta: Shattered Earf!
Rough Customer: ...
Vyrn: Um... A spell won't work if you don't pronounce it right!
Rough Customer: Ergh! Make fun of me, will ya? Yer dead meat!
Vyrn: Yikes! Help her, (Captain)!
Rough Customer: Oof!
Vyrn: Whoa... He took a bottle to the head. I wouldn't wanna get on her bad side...
Lamretta sends the troublemaker packing, but her not-so-brilliant display of customer service costs her a job.
(Captain) and company also find themselves out in the cold in the aftermath of the ruckus.
Lamretta: Nyahaha! Good times! And good thing I grabbed one for the road too! Glug, glug. Ah, that's the shtuff!
Lyria: You're amazing! The way you clocked that guy was so cool!
Vyrn: Hear, hear! One hit and he was out cold! I'm surprised you even bothered with the hocus-pocus.
Lamretta: Nyahaha. Don't you worry your pretty little head about it. Glug, glug. Mm, delishush.
Vyrn: I dig your style! You handle things like a boss!
Lyria: Oh... But because of us, your real boss had to let you go...
Vyrn: Nah, I don't think we did anything. We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And we still haven't eaten now that I think about it.
Lyria: Oh, my tummy's grumbling too.
Vyrn: Boy, I sure could go for a nice, juicy apple.
Lamretta: Nyahaha! Like these ones here? Munch, munch... Gulp!
Vyrn: Apples! Do you think I could have one?
Lamretta: You bet. The tavern master makes a mean cider, so he stocks a boatload of apples. Makes for a pretty good farewell gift.
Vyrn: I'm diggin' in then!
Lyria: Thank you so much!
Huh? Um, hello?
Lamretta: Snore... Snore...
Lamretta has already drifted into a deep sleep, her snoring as sonorous as an airship's engine.
Vyrn: You gotta be kidding me.
Lyria: It isn't safe to sleep out here, miss! Please wake up! There are monsters around!
Lamretta: Ngh... No more partyin' for me, thank you.
Lyria: This is no good... Can you stand up? Oof. You're heavier than you look.
Vyrn: What's done is done. (Captain), we'd better help Lyria out.
Lamretta: Heehee... Thanks. You're shuch a nice griffin.
Vyrn: I told you, I ain't no—oh, what's the point. She's a hassle and a half, isn't she?
Thus the fun-loving nun Lamretta joins the fold.
The crew has no idea just how much trouble her legendary fondness for wine will cause.
In a village beloved by wine enthusiasts, Lamretta competes in a drinking contest. She develops a crush on one of her opponents, Lucien, so she tries to forfeit the contest to preserve his pride, but monsters interfere.
At Lamretta's request, (Captain) and company visit a village winery that is revered by wine connoisseurs.
After sampling a variety of beverages, they head to the central square, where they find a large crowd of people.
Emcee: Welcome, welcome! Who among this assembly of libation lovers and venerable vino veterans would like to compete in our drinking contest?
Lamretta: Huh? Did someone say drinking contest?
Emcee: You there, young lady. I know an aficionado when I see one! For only ten thousand rupies, you can enjoy all that our finest selection has to offer.
Lamretta: Really? Say, (Captain), I wanna compete in this thing.
Vyrn: C'mon now... Haven't you had your fill?
Emcee: Did I mention that the top drinker nets a cool one million rupies? You get a chance to win money by just having a good time! Now that's what I call value!
Lamretta: Can I do it, (Captain)? Pretty please?
Vyrn: Hmm... I got a bad feeling about this, but I'll let you decide, (Captain).
Choose: Well, if that's what she wants.
- Well, if that's what she wants.
- Fine, but don't go overboard, Lamretta.
Lamretta: Oh, I love you, (Captain)! Squeeze!Choose: Fine, but don't go overboard, Lamretta.
Lamretta: I'm shtill totally fine. I know when I've had enough. Listen, I can shtill bust out my magic!
Lamretta: O great earth... hallowed spirits...Continue 1
Vyrn: Yipes! Okay, we get it! Go ahead and compete!
Emcee: Hahaha! Best of luck to you, young lady.
And so Lamretta becomes the lone female participant.
At the emcee's signal, the contestants start downing their cups.
Lamretta: Yummy! Bring me more!
Glug, glug. Ah, goes down smooth!
Contestants drop out one by one. Soon the only ones left are Lamretta, a classy Erune gentleman, and a brawny Draph bruiser.
Lamretta: Glug, glug...
Glug, glug... This is paradise!
Emcee: Wow! Look at that beauty go! Has any nun ever loved wine so much?
???: Phew... These lightweights had no business at the pro's table. Top me off.
Emcee: Now there's a true competitor! The dashing Lucien is not to be outdone! He shows no sign of stopping!
???: Huff... Huff... These guys are monsters!
Emcee: What's this? Gaba, the crowd favorite, is showing cracks in his champion facade! This is an unexpected development!
Lamretta: Glug, glug... More! Glug, glug... More!
Lucien: Hmm... She's not half bad.
Gaba: Gah! I cansh gurgh...
Emcee: Down goes Gaba! Who could have expected this?
Lamretta: Aw, that poor wine has no one to drink it!
Lucien: Sigh... One more ugly man with an ugly way of drinking.
Emcee: Here we go! A duel between Lamretta and Lucien!
Lyria: Good luck, Lammie!
Neither side yields as the battle hits its stride. Lamretta's bottomless stomach threatens to deplete the wine stores entirely.
Lamretta: Not bad. You're the first person to ever rival me at drinking.
Lucien: Ugh... What kind of a furnace do you have in that body of yours?
Lamretta: This is fun. I don't think I've ever enjoyed drinking so much.
Lucien: Gah... F-fun? (My stomach is full. If she doesn't stop soon, I'll suffer an embarrassing defeat.)
Vyrn: Keep it up, Lamretta! He's on the ropes!
Lamretta: Heehee... Nice try, but you're not even in my league just ye—
Lamretta: (Wait! This guy's actually just my type! And he can hold his wine so well.)
Lucien: Damn... I can't believe I'm going to lose. (Ugh... Another drop and my stomach will burst. I can already taste it in the back of my throat.)
Lamretta: Oh, goodness gracious. I shink it's starting to hit me... (Hopefully Lucien's into this sort of thing!)
Vyrn: Is everything okay, Lamretta? Why'd you stop?
Lamretta: I'm sorry, everyone. This is for my happiness.
Lamretta: (If I crush his pride, our budding love won't stand a chance!)
Vyrn: What's going on? She's acting awfully weird.
Lamretta: I give u—
But Lamretta's attempt to win Lucien's heart by forfeiting the match is interrupted.
Emcee: Aahh! Monsters! Run for it!
Vyrn: What? But you were just about to win! (Captain), let's smash these party-crashers!
Feeling Tingly: Scene 2
In exchange for information on Lucien, who has been captured by monsters, (Captain) and company agree to hunt down some wine thieves. However, when they reach the thieves' hideout, they find the drinking contest emcee and Lucien himself waiting for them.
The contest is canceled due to the monster attack. The monsters make off with both Lucien and the prize money.
Emcee: Wow... I didn't see that coming...
Lamretta: After those monsters! We have to help that guy!
Vyrn: Yeah, but we have no clue where the monsters took him.
Lyria: Hmm... Let's go ask Siero about this.
Emcee: Thank you. I'm in your debt. Please defeat the monsters and save that poor man!
Lamretta: Leave it to me! You just wait here!
Sierokarte: That's quite a story. Robbery and kidnapping, huh? Let me use my connections. In the meantime if you could do me a favor...
In exchange for information, Siero hands the crew a request to capture wine thieves who have recently hit wineries in the area.
Lamretta: Oh no... My darling's in danger even as we speak.
Vyrn: Uh, what? When did you two become a thing? Anyway, pipe down, or the thieves'll know we're here!
Lyria: Shh! Someone's coming.
Suspicious Man: ...
A suspicious man shows up before the crew and starts loading stolen wine onto a cart with practiced ease.
Lamretta: Let's get him!
Vyrn: Wait! The plan is to find their hideout and then capture all of them!
Lyria: Oh! He's going somewhere!
The suspicious man heads into a cave deep in the forest. The crew quietly tracks him.
Suspicious Man: Hey! Here's what I promised you.
???: Oh! Good work. You sure no one saw you?
Suspicious Man: Yep. Everything went buttery smooth.
Vyrn: Huh? Don't I know that guy from somewhere?
Emcee: Bahaha! Who knew we could make so much money with stolen wine?
Lucian: Hehehe... Tell me about it. Too bad that weird woman's thirst is forcing us to steal more stock.
Emcee: Yeah. Good thing those monsters attacked when they did, huh?
Lucian: That's putting it lightly. Now let's hit the next town for the next big score.
Vyrn: Hey! You guys were in on this together!
Lamretta: Hold on! I'm not done with Lucien yet!
Lyria: Oh no! You both need to wait!
Emcee: What! What are you people doing here?
Lucian: Whoa! You're that crazy wine-lover! Tch! We have to get out of here!
Vyrn: They're getting away! We need to wipe out these monsters and go after them, (Captain)!
Feeling Tingly: Scene 3
(Captain) and company capture the wine thieves, but Lucien escapes. After the emcee confesses that Lucien plans to escape by airship, the crew tracks the ship down and manages to get aboard.
After defeating the monsters, the crew captures the emcee and the suspicious man, but Lucien gets away at the last moment.
The crew interrogates the two fraudsters to try to find out where Lucien is heading.
Vyrn: You two better hurry up and spill the beans or else!
Suspicious Man: Ugh... I'm telling you I don't know anything. I've never met them anywhere but in this cave.
Lamretta: Cough up where Lucien is!
Emcee: Hehehe... Let's say I did know. I wouldn't open my mouth anyway—except to spit on you.
Vyrn: Why you! You think you can walk all over us just 'cause you hold the cards?
Lamretta: Where's Lucien... Burp. Ugh... Uh-oh...
Lyria: Are you okay, Lammie? You look a bit pale.
Lyria: This is bad! Lammie's going to lose her lunch!
Emcee: Gah! You gotta be kidding me! Not on me she isn't!
Lamretta: Here it comes...
Emcee: Nooo! Fine, I'll spill my guts, so don't spill yours!
Vyrn: Humph! Not so high and mighty now, are you?
The emcee reveals that Lucien plans to escape by an airship.
Vyrn: Crud! He's about to take off!
Lamretta: Hold it right there! You can't just make me fall in love and then run away like that!
Lucien: Gah! What nonsense are you spouting?
The crew manages to clamber onto Lucien's airship as it lifts off.
Vyrn: Not so fast, buster! You're not getting away!
Lamretta: Wow! The wind feels so nice. I can feel it going down my dress!
Lucien: You guys should have quit when you had the chance! Let's see you deal with this!
Feeling Tingly: Scene 4
After (Captain) and company capture the wine thieves and Lucien, Lamretta confesses her feelings for him, but he rejects her. The crew ends up accompanying her as she tries to drown her sorrows.
The crew return to Siero with the masterminds of the wine racket in their custody.
Sierokarte: Welcome back. Did you catch the wine thieves?
Vyrn: You bet! We didn't just catch the thieves, we busted up their whole crime ring!
The crew tells Siero all about the scheme. She takes custody of Lucien and his cronies.
Sierokarte: I guess I'll be leaving now that everything's been cleared up!
Lamretta: Just a sec! I still need to talk to Lucien!
Lucien: Huh? What do you want?
Lamretta: I still can't forget the taste of that wine when we were drinking together. I...
Lamretta: I decided long ago to spend the rest of my life with someone who can handle the bottle as well as I can!
Lucien: What in the world are you talking about?
Lamretta: I'm sorry, (Captain). I think it's time I left the crew. I'm going to go with him.
Vyrn: Whoa! Don't you realize he's a criminal?
Lamretta: Who among us can say we're free of sin! If I lose this chance, I don't think I'll ever find that special someone again.
Lyria: Oh dear... Do you really love him that much?
Lyria: It's okay. I know you can handle anything, Lammie.
Vyrn: I don't really get it, but you seem pretty sure of yourself, so you have our blessing!
Lucien: Hey, sorry to burst your bubble, but doesn't my opinion count for anything here?
Lamretta: I'll wait for you until you get out of jail!
Vyrn: Wow... Talk about faithfulness.
Lyria: Aw... I'll miss you a lot, but I hope the two of you will be happy together.
Lamretta: Oh, we will! (Captain), thank you for everything. It was fun traveling with all of you.
Lucien: Sigh... What's wrong with you guys? Your ability to ignore me is really quite shocking. And what makes you think I can hold my wine?
Lamretta: Huh? But you were chugging it like crazy at the contest, weren't you?
Lucien: Pffahaha! You really think anyone can drink that much?
Lucien: That was just water! No one could down that many glasses without cheating.
Lucien: I can't stand a single drop of alcohol, nor do I want to be with some dummy who loves wine more than me. Sorry, but you'll have to find someone else.
Sierokarte: My, my... I'm completely out of the loop, but this is quite the awkward moment, so I'll just step on out first.
Vyrn: Um... Well, you know what they say: stuff happens. Right, Lyria?
Lyria: Yes! I'm sure you'll find someone nice! Right, (Captain)?
Glug, glug... Glug, glug...
Thus Lamretta's unrequited crush on Lucien ends up being crushed.
The crew later goes with her so she can mourn her loss with her buddy-in-a-bottle.
Why Four Art Thou, Lamretta?
Lamretta, Lamretta, Lamretta, and Lamretta have a fun-filled party, while (Captain) and others look on in amusement.
Lamretta: Thanks for showing up today, everyone!
Lammy: Of course! Nothin' better than enjoying a night with good friends and good drinks!
Rammy: You're not going home early this time, right? This party's just getting started!
Red: I think... I'm just... about done...
Rammy: Whoa, check out this party animal over here!
Lamretta: Haha, now things are getting fun!
Rammy: Hold on, are you going to just let her go off on her own?
Lamretta: Sure am! Sometimes you just gotta call it a night!
Lammy: Mmhm, best to get out early before you regret it!
Red: Huff... Wheeze... I think I'll... be okay...
Rammy: You sure? Don't overdo it, dear! You're not as young as you used to be!
Lamretta: Forget the details! Let's party!
Lammy: To forgetting bad memories!
Rammy: What did I just say, you two?
Red: Urk... Don't worry about me... You guys... keep going...
Rammy: Hmm... You sure you're okay, dear?
Lammy: So how've things been lately, Lamretta? You digging the new workplace?
Lamretta: Heheheh, best joint I've ever worked at!
Lammy: Wow, really? That's unexpected.
Lamretta: Heheh, Cap'n (Captain), Cat-alina, and Rack'em are the best bosses I've ever had!
Lamretta: Hee hee, everyone else on the ship's so nice, too!
Rammy: Now that you mention it, you've lasted longer there than anywhere else!
Lammy: Wahoo! Now there's a cause worthy of celebration!
Lamretta: Yup! I'm just gonna do my best to stick around until Cap'n (Captain) gets sick of me!
Lammy: Heheh, how could anyone not want to keep a charmer like you around, Lamretta?
Lamretta: Hoho! You really think so? Am I... beloved?
Rammy: You guys need to get your acts together and think about the future!
Lammy: Hee, the future's so bright, we gotta wear shades!
Lamretta: Hey, we ain't got time for all this future talk! Let's paaartay!
Lammy: So like, which one of the other crew members do you like the best?
Lamretta: Bwaaah? Why you bringing up something like that?
Lammy: Oh, please. You've got feelings for someone there! Why try to hide it?
Lamretta: Brgraah? Nope! Sure don't! Just precious friends, one and all!
Rammy: Hm? Do you hear something?
Red: Never mind guys, I... gotta bow out this time... For real...
Lamretta: You okay?
Red: I'm exhausted...
Red: Just need a little... time out...
Red: Water... Get me water...
Lamretta: Got it! I'll get water. The rest is up to you!
Lammy: Party overload...
Red: Sorry, guys...
Rammy: Hey, we're all in this together, right?
Red: I can see rainbows...
(Captain) and the others have been observing Lamretta's strange display from nearby.
Vyrn: Is she okay? She's been mumbling to herself for hours.
Katalina: Goodness... She's not causing trouble for anyone. At least for now.
Lyria: Hee hee, if something happens, Rackam and (Captain) will handle it!
Rackam: Aw, c'mon! Not on our day off! Right, (Captain)?
(Captain) simply answers Rackam's question with a huge grin.
From there, Lamretta continued her one-woman party well into the night.
Surprising no one, Rackam was eventually forced to eject her from the premises due to rowdy behavior.